


When a light is snuffed out

by Shadowtravelingtitans



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Simon-centric, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 03:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10608018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans
Summary: Everyone is left in shock at how a boy who always seemed so bright and talkative, could suddenly become so quiet.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: If you are in a bad place, are very susceptible to depressing or suicidal material do not read this. Their is death, there is imagery of depression, this is not a happy story whatsoever. 
> 
> If you still want to read it, by all means go ahead. But read at your own risk.
> 
> That said, i hope you enjoy it. It's not a happy piece, and it's long, but I feel as though people overlook everything Simon has had to deal with in such a short span of time. So here's my interpretation.
> 
> If you want to discuss anything visit my tumblr: www.boasorteminhamenina.tumblr.com

Walking through the streets of Brooklyn at night used to be calming. When life was simpler and he didn’t have to worry about anything except the band, or having slept with Maureen, or homework. God, he missed homework. 

He had broken up with Clary a few days ago and well things have been awkward ever since. Mostly because she was mad at him, though that he could deal with. Faking a relationship, not so much. It wasn’t even that he didn’t love her, no he would always love her. But he wasn’t blind. When they found out that Jace wasn’t her brother, something had changed. He finally realized why she had decided to date in the first place. It made sense, now that he thought about it. How  after pinning for her for twelve years she only suddenly realized she  _ loved  _ him too. And only could admit it after he confessed. 

Maybe it would have been easier if she had rejected him? Scratch that, of course it would have been easier. He would have at least gotten closure. Now? He has a broken hearted best friend and no one to share his feelings with. Clary most likely is with Jace, which he finds doesn’t bother him as much as it used to. In fact, he hopes they’re together, because they deserve to be happy. He’ll always love Clary, maybe not as a girlfriend, he realizes, but he wants her happiness. And Jace, well, he deserves something good in his life. And if Clary Fray wasn’t a heart of gold with a smile of sunshine than Simon has no idea what else Jace could get. They would be good for each other. He allowed himself a small smile. At least someone would get their happy ever after. 

He realized after he broke up with Clary, just how alone he was without her. Sure, he’d been on some adventures with the Lightwoods and Magnus, but he was a realist. That didn’t make them friends. Jace tolerated him, Izzy was a sweetheart but he knew that she only really cared because of Clary. And he’s pretty sure Alec would delight in never hearing from him ever again. 

He could go talk to Magnus. He shook his head. No way, not after having forced his hand in Camille’s demise in Idris. Magnus, now that was a man with a heart of gold. And had Simon ever thanked him? He couldn’t remember, but knowing his track record he probably didn’t. Besides, Magnus was probably with Alec, and he didn’t want to intrude. They also deserved their own happily ever after. 

He passes the old coffee shop near his house, his thoughts shifting to the couple at the table. Izzy and Lydia. Cute, he thought. Ever since the Yin fen fiasco, he had noticed the constant presence of Lydia by Izzy’s side. He noticed how the two would have soft spoken conversations, Lydia playing with Izzy’s hair, Izzy sharing her problems, her desire to be taken care of instead of always having to be strong. It was magical seeing to see them helping each other heal. They were getting closer, he could see the blossoming of love and no they weren’t totally there yet, but. He smiled, they would get their happily ever after. He knew and they deserved.

He turned away from the shop and his thoughts led him to his old leader. Raphael Santiago. What a grumpy pain in his ass. Though, he supposed, that may be due to all the shit he had to deal with. He vaguely remembers snippets of stories told to him during his harder moments at the Hotel Dumort. There were many things that Simon could say he regretted, but one of the bigger ones was betraying Raphael. He’s not stupid, blind yes. Purposely avoiding the truth, definitely. But he could recognize kindness. And maybe that was the problem. He knew all along how kind and welcoming Raphael had been. How the clan in general had been. He was just so consumed with grief and denial over his past life, he never took the time to acclimate to his new life. And when Clary presented the idea of freeing Camille, well, he’d be lying if he didn’t take it as a  way out. Of course, had Raphael just continued hating him, that would have been great. But he still helped and the clan, they didn’t touch him. He always knew they wouldn’t kill him. He wished they would though. 

From what he’s heard, Raphael had a bit of an addiction thanks Victor’s creation of Yin Fen Izzy. He’s pretty sure they stayed friends, sometimes getting together to talk when Lydia was away and when either needed some comfort, someone who understood. Raphael despite what he claimed had always been a good listener. He’s better, the clan closer than ever now that their leader is safe and clean. Their family is back together. Safe. He smiles, they get a happily ever after. Afterall having to deal with the hell he unleashed, they deserve an ending without any ungrateful fledglings around.

Before he knows it he’s standing outside his old home. He takes a breathe he doesn’t actually need. Through the window he sees his mother chatting with a beautiful dark skinned woman, hands moving animatedly as she shows her pictures from old family albums. He sees his sister leaning up against the doorway that separates the kitchen from the living room. He sees her soft smile, a gaze focused on the sight before her, drinking it in slowly and languidly. Ah, he thinks, it makes sense. He’s glad Rebecca has someone, who by the looks she sends his sister, is as deeply in love with her as his sister is with her. He vaguely wonders how this happened and where he failed as a brother that he missed this monumental moment in his sister’s life. Then again, he hasn’t been good to anyone he loves recently. No, too wrapped up in his own problems that he couldn’t see the pain he caused. He watched as laughter seems to filter throughout all three of them, eyes bright with a happiness that he knows he could never place there. That’s fine, they have each other. They will have their happily ever after, without him poisoning it with his hands.

Suddenly he finds himself at the boathouse he has resided in recently. His new home. The only place that will have him. He looks around and his eyes land on an old picture of him and Luke. One of his old baseball pictures, toothless smile and light in his eyes. Luke an ever presence of love and a father. A father he was robbed of at a young age. A father he pushed away and disregarded ever since he entered the Shadow World. He thinks of Luke with his pack, mending the ties that were put to the test when he was being pulled between saving his daughter or his family. Both important and both so incredibly fragile. 

He shakes his head, willing the memories and thoughts to leave, but tonight they won’t. They linger. His regrets, his wishes, his fears all intermingle and he is suddenly filled with an idea. Not necessarily a novel one, far from it in fact. An idea that’s been around since before his vampirism. The only difference is that there is no Clary to remind him of his accomplishments. There is no Rebecca hugs or mommy’s kisses that tether him to this earth. Just bad memories and cringe worthy events that make him wish he had been better,  _ he should have been better. _ He isn’t though. He was never really the type to get better.

So he packs. He backs his meager belongings in an old vintage backpack that he once used for college books and dreams. He packs what remains of his shirts and the few personal items he’s kept: a picture of mom and Rebecca, a picture of Clary and Jocelyn, and the picture of him and Luke. And his dad’s star of David. After he is done he glances around the boathouse one last time, eyes meticulously scanning every inch because this may not have been the home he’s wanted, but it was his last home. And there were some good memories hidden inside it. He sighs and runs his hand through his hair before whispering one last word.

“Goodbye.”

Gone. He carefully shuts the door and leaves, not sparing a glance at the Jade Wolf. He doesn’t deserve it. 

He walks past a homeless youth on his way to his final destination, and giving his shivers he assumes they must be cold. 

“Here.” 

He states, scaring the boy slightly while offering him his shirts and shrugging off his jacket because where he is going he will have no use for these. The kid looks at him with apprehension, but before he can say anything Simon is gone.

He walks leisurely, eyes capturing all the movement of sleeping Brooklyn. It’s quiet and he likes it. He let’s him think, and he thinks that he has made the right choice. And in the distance he sees it grow larger, the end point of his journey. The Brooklyn Bridge. In fact, it’s all he sees. As if his vision has narrowed and the focal point has become this national landmark. He finds himself near a ledge and for some time he watches. Just watches the water below him rushing past, the sound almost soothing in a way, deafening. He doesn’t feel the weather like he used to but he imagines what the breeze feels like on his neck and face, his fingers, his hair. 

He’s dreamt of this. Ending it like this many times as a mundane. He was fortunate enough to have those who always call him off the edge. He’s always had some sort of Camille for his Magnus-esque ways. But now he knows no one will come. No one will remind him of good times and trophies. Little science ribbons hidden under boxes in his mother’s closet. He only has his memories, mistakes being replayed again and again in his mind until they are all he sees as his vision blurs. This is what he has asked for isn’t it? This pain, he deserves it. He knows he does, because deep down, broken is broken and you can’t change that. 

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out the pictures. He looks at the one of Luke and him, smiling and happy. But then he remembers how he betrayed him by forgetting about him until he was in pain and he feels his tears roll down his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers as he lets the wind take a piece of him away.

The next photo is of Jocelyn and Clary, in the back is him photobombing, tongue out and leaning over a chair. They were seven and Jocelyn just wanted a cute family picture with her daughter. She had laughed when she saw Simon’s face in the picture and said it was perfect. He remembers feeling happy at that time, because he was included and he helped fill the hole the death of his father had left in him. But now she’s dead and Clary is broken, fault based on many people but him especially. He failed his surrogate family. He didn’t deserve them. And once again the wind takes a piece of him.

“I’m sorry.”

He stares long and hard at the final picture, memorizing the face of his mother and sister, the most important people in his life. The ones he’s hurt the most. He was so blinded by his need to be by Clary that he traded a life with his family for this. This. This life in the shadows where he had no home. No sense of belonging. An abomination of a vampire, rejected by clan, prohibited by Shadowhunters. Disappointment to the only friend he’s ever had. 

He doesn’t remember how long he stares at the photo, but he sharply remembers his fingers loosening their grip on it. He gasps as the wind takes it, not yet ready to part with that memory. Perhaps, though, perhaps it’s for the best. Slowly, he reaches for a dagger in his backpack, holding it gingerly in his hands, turning it over to inspect the blade. He had originally planned this moment while he was still slave to sunlight, hoping to watch the sunrise and feel his flesh burn away, his ashes fall into the river. Except now with his ability to walk under the sun once more he had to devise another way. 

He clutches his father’s star of David in his left hand, brain barely registering the pain in his palm. His right hand slowly brings up the dagger at exactly the same stop Valentine once held the soul sword. He couldn’t help but chuckle humorlessly at the fact that Valentine had inspired his recent and final escape plan. 

He takes a deep breathe, a flash of Raphael rolling his eyes will muttering how unnecessary it was.

He slowly presses the blade deeper into the tender flesh of his neck, aware of the small stream of blood trickling down.

Images of Clary’s heartbroken and confused face, Jocelyn’s shock and disgust when he smiled and accidently showed fangs, Jace’s comments at the bar, Maia’s hurt expression when they left her in the boat house, Rebecca’s confusion, and his mom. His mom’s heartbroken look every time she saw him recently. Her voicemails, worried over his unattentive nature. How could he cause that women so much pain? 

Suddenly he remembers the last promise he made to his father, sitting next to him on his hospital bed. 

_ “Hey, kiddo. Papa’s going to ask you something, alright?” Little Simon just nodded his head. They had just been talking about Star Wars, and why couldn’t they make another movie where Anakin is a nice guy instead of a meanie, when his papa suddenly got quiet. _

_ “You know papa’s sick right?” Simon nodded his head again. He didn’t like thinking about it, especially since the way the adults all talked about it made it seem like papa was leaving. _

_ “Well, I just want to ask you to take care of your mama for me. Cause I can’t do a really good job from a hospital bed, you know. And I know you’re a strong boy, so will you promise me, Simon? Will you promise to look after your mama?” He looked at his papa, wondering why he needed Simon to promise him to take care of mama. Of course he would! Besides, once papa got better he could teach Simon how to be an even better help to mama.  _

_ “Okay papa, I will. And then when you get better, we can both take care of her.” His papa smiled, but Simon couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t as bright as his other ones. _

_ “Thank you.” Silence fell upon the pair, as his papa watched him fiddle with the zipper on his jacket. “What did you think about princess Leia?”  _

_ With that Simon broke out into a grin and launched into a rant of how amazing and powerful princess Leia was. _

The memory, so long ago forgotten, left Simon clutching the star of David till he felt it break skin. He remembered how his father had passed, peacefully, a few days after that conversation. He remembered taking the star of David and promising that he’d never hurt his mom or sister or anyone ever again, just for his dad, just for his  _ papa.  _ But he had failed him, just like he had failed everyone else. With the last image of father’s burial playing in his mind, he croaked out his last words.

“I’m so sorry  _ papa. _ ”

And the dagger slices cleanly across his neck. He registers, just barely, the stinging pain of metal across flesh, of the wind brushing across open wounds. The dagger falls from his hand, soon followed by his dead weight body. 

He is conscious enough to feel the wind circle around him as he free falls. He begins losing consciousness once he hits the water, pain ricocheting throughout his body till he is gone. The last image his mind sees is the dawn of a new day. 

When they find him it is weeks later, washed up ashore near the Hunter’s Moon. His body is just as it was when he died, pale with a large gash across his neck, still clutching the star of David.

Everyone is left in shock at how a boy who always seemed so bright and talkative, could suddenly become so quiet. 


End file.
